On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
