you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
