Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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