im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
