Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
