My hand turned me down
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
