I am puke
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
