You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
