i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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