you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize