so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize