i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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