I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Sober January is a disaster.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
