This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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