we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
