You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
