I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
It's blow job season.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
