I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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