I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
