I got chris browned last night
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
