doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
