She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
