your room smells of hookers.
And success
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
