I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
