some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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