The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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