i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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