Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
do nipples grow back?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
