I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
