So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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