Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
