i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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