drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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