i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
