Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
