were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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