we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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