Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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