I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
