So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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