His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
