And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
