i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
