The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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