dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
