This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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