Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
