You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
