That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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