I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
