I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
