Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
