you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
