Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
